happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
