Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
