you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
