Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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