Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I'm both gender and math confused
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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