My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
