I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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