I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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