Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize