so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
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