New low: just hacked my moms facebook
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
