I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
