We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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