I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
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