I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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