FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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