It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I'm gonna fight the coyote
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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