life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
