she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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