I need to stop coming to work sober
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
