Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
