wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Randomize
