i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
