every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
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