We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
