Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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