Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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