we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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