I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
