i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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