he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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