I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
