I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
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