i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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