I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
