Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
