i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
You did what with his pubic hair?
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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