She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
He better not be in your backpack
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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