and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
