another moral hangover. fuck.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
