my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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