we have pet lesbian snakes
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Randomize
