I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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