New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
