There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Found him fucking some random drunk chick in the bathrrom at the blue lep with a beer in each hand. had to give him props.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
