My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
