I'm sorry, but there's just something about mesh over nipples that irks me.
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
