She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I AM VODKA MAN
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
