If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Randomize
