My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
