I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
