I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize