I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
