dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's shark week go big or go home
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
