What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
