I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize