I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
