I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
