So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
