i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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