so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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