whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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