my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
