So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
